no longer expatriated (as of tomorrow).

Before we knew about our upcoming move back to the US, Jay over at From There to Here dropped a line asking if I'd participate in her Expatriated series. Jay is a super fun expat in Norway...I love clicking over to check out her life. Her Expatriated series is fascinating for the wanderlusty girl like me. She features bloggers who have found themselves in a country other than their own...and they seem to have amazing expat stories...they've spent time in Belgium or Malta, India or England...and they loved it.

Sidenote: Jay and I have never met, but discovered that we stayed in the exact same hotel room in Prague. Small world, eh? :)

Anyway, I was flattered, but my first thought was, "Uh-oh. I'm going to have to say no, because I don't want to be a downer. Or, I'll have to write something super chipper and inspiring, but not at all true." But thankfully Jay, being the cool expat that she is, was actually interested in sharing my somewhat-mixed experience in the Middle East...and in drawing on the less-than-glamorous side of life that expats sometimes stumble upon in their quest for adventure.

Cue a sigh of relief. So, here it is!

Tomorrow is my last day as an expat, so it's fitting to sneak in this last little bit: In the past year, I've become increasingly grateful for the ability to express my honest feelings about my experience abroad. From the first post in which I dared to say, "I don't love it" to my last post in which I pretty much said, "I'm so over it"...I always expected to get a nasty comment or email. I'd understand if it happened...it's hard to stay engaged with a blogger who is trudging through an unhappy time, and tricky to understand the complexity of expathood if you've never dealt with it. But nastiness never happened. I always flooded with so much support. From expats. From friends. From family. From people I don't know at all.

Incase I haven't expressed this yet, I just want to say...thank you for sticking around. Most of my readers began following right before I got married. Life was full of pretty projects and wedding details and romance. And then...suddenly it was full of dust storms and homesickness and mind-bendingly awful depression.

But you all told me it was okay to feel and express. And that everything would be alright in time.

You were so right. Thanks for reading and cheering me on, even when the forecast showed no chance of glitter anytime soon. It meant more than I can truly express. It was a lifeline.

And...I'm no weatherlady, but I feel like sunshine and glitter will return again soon. Very soon.

Maybe even next week. ;)

PS: Check out From There to Here on Twitter (@theretohereblog) and Instagram (@cjstjohn). She's heading to Santorini soon, so hop over in time to take a little virtual vacation with her. :)

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one word wednesday: pink.

Finally coming up for air from a world of boxes and piles to join in One Word Wednesday! Everything has been shipped, including our computer...so blogging on a mobile device is proving to be a bit frustrating. Do forgive any funky formatting, and a short post. My brain is on overload and my patience level is quite low. ;)

This week's word was pink...nothing fancy here. Just a cute pink sucker my sis sent overseas for Valentine's Day. I found them stashed in a cupboard during my big clean up, then hemmed and hawed, wondering if these were still safe. 

They were not only safe, but totally delicious. And cute. Win, win, win. ;)

Next week's word is "project". Feel free to share a photo next Wednesday that reflects this word! You can share via your blog, or on Instagram using #onewordwednesday.

1. Briana - journeywithjohnsons.blogspot.com
2. Jessica - livingtheswelllife.com
3. Jenna - jennaloublog.blogspot.com
4. Amanda - ohmylittledears.com
5. Bethany - rinserepeatblog.com
6. Leslie - leslieautumn.blogspot.com

who/what/where/when and why.

one of my kuwait camel sightings

I've been sitting pretzel style on my bed for 45 minutes, dazing off into space. It is safe to say I've hit a "moving" wall.

We found out about this move on Thursday, it's now Monday morning. Three fourths of the house is packed or just awaiting more boxes. We've already locked down a home in California, and our plane tickets are booked. Somehow we've packed up our life almost entirely in four days.

That's wild.

Whenever you make a big life change, you wind up explaining what/where/why about a thousand times. It was that way when I moved to Kuwait...there's this awesome human reaction to excitedly ask for details when a loved one is going through positive changes. I love it. But given that we've got four more days to get our proverbial crap together...I know I won't call/text/email everyone I'm supposed to tell about major life changes.

So, apologies in advance family and friends. I'm just going to be the Millennial that I am, and lay it out there on the internet for family + friends + inquiring minds.

Here you go, pals. :)

Why are you leaving Kuwait? Don't you looooove sandstorms, heat and not drinking wine?
Hey, we enjoyed this year of adventure. But our real goal in living in Kuwait was to pay down our debt + travel a bit. That was pretty near impossible given the high cost of living + US mortgage we paid until our house sold in January. On Thursday, Gabe was offered an amazing short term job in the Middle East, living + working on base. We crunched the numbers and realized that simply by leaving Kuwait, we'd save thousands of dollars every month. Thousands. If Gabe took this new job while I returned to the US, it meant spending a few months apart...but it would eliminate the 2 more years of living in Kuwait that we'd need to reach our financial goals.

We chose distance + sanity over staying here for two more years. I can't say I'd recommend the same for a couple who has never been apart. But, we've done distance. A lot. And while it's a little difficult, it has never negatively impacted our relationship. The time flies by (after the first week), and soon you're planning what you'll wear to pick your guy up at the airport.

After this short term job...we will both be planted in the US for good. Like normal people. :)

Where are you moving?
Santa Cruz, CA! We love Santa Cruz. It's a little hippy...a little weird...but totally loveable. It's right on the coast with beautiful beaches and pretty hiking spots. I'm fond of the blend of small businesses + community vibe, but close access to bigger cities with just a short drive. Our best friends live in Santa Cruz with their 1 year old boy, so we're excited to have built in family awaiting us!

We already have a little place lined up...a few blocks from the beach...with a guest room! So give me a month to get settled, and Casa Contreras is totally open. :)

When are you leaving Kuwait...and is kitty coming, too?
We leave this Friday, and wind up in Santa Cruz on Monday! And yes, absolutely Lucky is coming too! We're so nervous about that. The travel time from Kuwait to California is crazy long...something like 36 hours with all layovers included. Leaving a cat in a tiny carrier for over 20 hours was unfathomable to us. So, we're taking a one night break between flights once we arrive on US soil...holing up in a hotel so Lucky can stretch, play and eat for 24 hours before climbing back in her carrier for the second half of the trip.

Incase the above paragraph didn't make it clear...we are those weird cat people now. Here's the clincher: we used miles to purchase an international seat for our cat. Her ticket reads "Lucky Cat Contreras".

Yeah. That happened. ;)
 

missing tea + moving boxes.

This morning, just like every other morning, I opened the kitchen cabinet and reached for a small, red box of tea.

It wasn't there.

It wasn't there because we're moving back to the US with 8 days notice. (Yay, bring on our new home in California! Seriously, I welcome the crazed timeline.) And although I may be a procrastinator in almost every aspect of life, I am a fantastic mover who has already emptied the cabinets and placed everything in sorted, labeled boxes.

But something struck me in that tea-less moment. Our life has felt anything but normal, and yet this year of homesickness and occasional adventure has still managed to breed routine. Certain things go in certain places, the days flow in such a way, and the tea is always right above the stove.

Leaving is everything I've wanted for months, but it feels strange to leave behind our new normal. Gabe and I didn't live together before we were married; our entire relationship was long distance. This was our first home together--the only "normal" we've ever known. And so, our move feels a little more bittersweet than expected!

I will not miss:

...the way our kitchen floor floods every time I wash dishes.
...the tiny washing machine that always makes my clothes smell funny.
...the dryer that shrinks everything it touches.
...$18 broccoli.
...Skyping in for birthday parties.
...drawing snowflakes on my windows and pretending it feels like Christmas.
...paying a cab every time I want to go somewhere.
...130 degree days.
...a life without wine.
...constantly fearing I'm showing the tiniest bit of boob. Or shoulder. Or knee. Or the bottoms of my feet.

I will miss...

...sunrises over the Gulf right out my window. Our beach view is insane.
...my neighbor friend who has been a source of sanity, even if we don't see each other for a few weeks.
...our checkerboard floors, which I used to loathe but now love.
...the passing feeling that we're on an adventure.
...random camel sightings and calls to prayer.
...funny stories or weird experience from simply stepping outside our door.
...interacting with people who are so different than me.
...my side trips to Europe in an effort to stay sane.

Mostly, I'll miss the way this experience has brought lots of introspection. I've learned so much about myself, my husband and my marriage. We've never fought more than we did the first 3 months in Kuwait. It was ugly, but given the circumstances + our newlywed status...it was probably quite normal. But, that has passed. We've never been more in sync than we have in the last 5 months. It's as if life plodded forward enough for us to be retrospective...to appreciate how much we both gave one another this year: I loved him enough to leave behind a comfy life at home for his job in Kuwait...and he loved me through my lowest, most depressed days when I felt particularly unlovable. And we both fell in love with a little helpless kitten who has turned our world upside down more than a few times.

Not to be a cheeseball, but in hindsight...it has been quite deep and beautiful for two people who didn't expect to find deepness or beauty in the desert.

My only true sadness in leaving is breaking this awesome marital period. While I haven't been creatively or intellectually fulfilled in Kuwait, I've felt so safe and loved. It's like one glass was empty, the other full...and it forced me to learn a few lessons. I've discovered that my husband loves me even without my usual Pollyanna personality, and with a larger pants size. And, I've learned that life still goes on even if your apartment doesn't look like a Pinterest board. If there were any lessons I desperately needed to learn in life...discovering I am loved + worthy of love and learning to let go of perfection were at the top.

So for that...for this year of learning...I am so grateful.

For the ability to move forward, into a new normal...my heart is overwhelmed.

I cannot wait. Home, home, home. Here we come.

one word wednesday: morning.

If there's one thing I could use more of, it's inspiration...so I jumped in when my blogging girlfriends emailed about starting a new photo challenge: One Word Wednesday. It's not about elaborately staged, perfect photos. (Whew.) But rather a simple challenge to keep one word in mind throughout the week, then pick up the camera when inspiration strikes.

I hope you jump in, too. Join us every Wednesday by sharing a snapshot that celebrates a real scene from your life. You can share via your blog or Instagram...or both! Each word will be announced one week in advance, so you'll have plenty of time. Just leave a link or add hashtag #onewordwednesday to your photos. Next week's word: PINK! 

 

Morning. When we first moved to Kuwait--to our tiny ghetto apartment--I hated mornings. Gabe was off to work by 5am, and while I'm not one to easily feel lonely, he wouldn't be home until nearly 7pm. So it was just me, the tiny apartment and a long, long 14 hours. I'll fully admit that once I cried and begged Gabe to stay home with me. Alright...more than once.

In time, we moved. We got a kitten, a better view and a more stable internet connection to help fill those hours.

Now, mornings usually commence like the photo above. Kitty snuggles up on the desk, where she demands I place her favorite pink blanket near the window. I make a latte, read the news and we both watch the sunrise over the Persian Gulf. Those early days of loneliness feel so far gone. No more tears, and I now relish the few hours of quiet before the world beneath my window is overtaken by an overwhelming amount of street noise.

bloghop from left to right...these girls are great: 1. Bethany 2. Leslie 3. Jessica 4. Jenna 5. Amanda  6. Briana

 

If you'd like to participate, next week's word is: pink. So, run wild with that...and post your photo on your blog or Instagram (#onewordwednesday) next week! 

choices, changes and coffee cake.

 

Hey. There's a whole lot of scary stuff going on in the world today, specifically in Boston. I've been glued to the TV for hours. This morning, before news broke in Boston, I promised a few readers I'd to share a recipe in time for the weekend. So, to be respectful, I've chosen not to promote this post via Twitter, Facebook, etc. If you're here, it's because of an update in your reader or because you came looking for this recipe. I hope this is respectful of everyone dealing with bigger things in life. Please do just say a little prayer, if you will, for those trapped in the big, scary things. Thanks.

 

I fear judgment for revealing this but...we're trying to eat mostly vegan.

 

Wait! Please don't run away. Or give me those eyes. I'm not going to hand you a book on veganism, ask you to save the animals or end my emails with Namaste. Cross my heart, I'm not judging while you eat a juicy steak. Do what you do...I respect your dietary choices and will even visit Texas Roadhouse with you.

 

Why am I explaining all this now? This morning I posted a photo of a nearly-vegan blueberry coffee cake on my Instagram, and per some requests...I promised to share the recipe! The recipe is below...and further below, for those that are curious, is why I've chosen to go as vegan as possible. If you're not curious or think it's weird, that's cool! High-five, and we can still be friends...please eat some cheese in my honor.

 

We have no vegan sugar options here in Kuwait, which is why I can't quite call my coffee cake vegan. But, you can prepare it with your fave vegan granulated + powdered sugar.  If you couldn't give a hoot about veganism, you can make this coffee cake with regular milk + eggs. It's a bit of an indulgent breakfast, yes...but this coffee cake is ultra easy and super moist over a day later!

 

Serve it with a side of raspberries for a yummy sweet + sour pairing that can't be beat. :)

 

egg + dairy free blueberry coffee cake*

recipe adapted from betty crocker

 

crumb topping

1/2 cup sugar

1/3 cup all purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 cup softened soy butter (or regular butter)

coffee cake

2 cups all purpose flour

3/4 cup sugar

1/4 cup soy butter (or shortening/regular butter)

3/4 cup soy milk (or almond/rice/regular milk)

1/4 cup applesauce (or 1 egg)

2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder

3/4 teaspoon salt

1-2 cups fresh blueberries (i'm sure you could use frozen)

 

almond glaze

1/2 cup powdered sugar

1/4 teaspoon almond essence

2 teaspoons warm water     

one: in a small bowl, mix together sugar, flour, cinnamon and cut in butter to make crumb topping.

two: in a large bowl, mix together coffee cake ingredients...reserving blueberries until all other ingredients are fully incorporated. then fold in blueberries. if batter is very thick, add a little extra milk.

three: grease and lightly flour a springform pan. (i used an 8" pan.) spread coffee cake batter evenly in pan, then top with crumb topping.

four: bake at 375 degrees F (190C) for 50 minutes, or until it passes the toothpick test.

five: mix together almond glaze ingredients, adding more water or powdered sugar as needed. remove cake from pan and drizzle glaze on top of coffee cake...enjoy!

why the heck would you say goodbye to cheese?!

 

I know. It's crazy, because cheese is just THAT good. Meat wasn't hard for me to give up...I did that years ago. At age 4 or 5, I rejected meat. I didn't know why...meat just made me feel sad. Since then, I've eaten mostly vegetarian aside from the occasional social situation where I had no option, or to scratch a hot dog or bacon itch. Basically, on the rare occasion that I do eat meat...I prefer it to be highly processed and refuse think about what I'm eating. Ha.

 

Last April, Gabe crazily suggested we go vegan for health purposes. We stuck to it for a month, loved it and felt great. But when we moved to Kuwait, staying vegan was the least of our concerns. 

 

A few weeks ago, I took a really long, honest look at animal treatment in the food industry. Needless to say, I researched and cried a lot...then recommitted to eating vegan. It sounds crazy, but until I live in a community where I can access eggs, milk and cheese from a source that promises fair treatment of animals...I have a hard time purchasing dairy and eggs with a clean conscience.

 

But, we're a bit compromised in Kuwait. Vegan-friendly options aside from tofu and soy milk are nearly non-existent. There's no egg-replacer, no soy sour cream, no faux-cheese, no coconut ice cream to fill that dairy-shaped hole in my heart. We've fallen off the wagon a few times in the past month, often due to lack of choices. And I went on a cheese bender for a few days. Whoops. Sometimes our store-bought bread has eggs or milk, and we use regular sugar because we can't find vegan sugar here. When we want to go out to eat or indulge in a sweet treat, it's meat-free but probably not vegan. (Ahem. Buttery Sprinkles cupcakes.)

 

I'd say 4 out of 5 meals are vegan. But in a way, compromised is good. It allows versatility...one foot planted in regular-people land, and one food planted in vegan craziness. ;)

 

Does anyone else eat vegetarian or vegan? Do you have a hard time explaining your choice, or receive negative reactions? How do you deal?

 

Sidenote: I did go to Prague. And I owe you all photos. There are 957 of them. Don't worry,  you will not have to see them all. I've been editing, pairing them down and working on a post! :)

traveling solo with cobbled street fever.

(taken in Paris, 2011.)

My "places to visit" list has always been a bit one-dimensional. Any dream location for me consists of cobbled streets, architecture built prior to 1910 and a smattering of sweet cafes where I can spend endless hours drinking wine and watching the locals go about life.

Therefore in the past two years my international excursions have been: Ireland, Paris, Rome. And, uh, Rome again.

Since making the move to Kuwait, I try to leave for a week every few months in an effort to stay sane. This time I would have popped over to Dubai with Gabe, but since Gabe can't get out of work at the moment he encouraged me to escape to a place I'd really enjoy and find inspiration. (High-five supportive husband.) We agreed on a reasonable budget for my 5 day trip and I set about scouring the web in search of a wallet-friendly destination.

And so, a game of "spin-the-globe then check ticket prices" has lead me to Prague. Here are the four things I know about Prague:

My best friend's dad is Czechoslovakian. And he's cool.
Every travel forum assured me that Prague is safe + welcoming to English-speaking folk like myself.
A friend once told me the entire city looks like a fairytale.
And...Prague looks pretty in every single photo.

Win, win, win. HUGE SUPERFICIAL WIN.

I'm hopping a flight late tonight...and I'm elated. If there's anything this strange curveball year in Kuwait has thrown me--the homesickness, the lack of purpose--it's the ability to leave life behind and discover somewhere completely new. Even if I'm by myself.

My blogger friend, Sam, put it most eloquently, "Being unanchored let's us see new harbors."

Absolutely. Here's to new harbors.

PS: I'm often asked, "How can you travel by yourself? Don't you get lonely?" I could never quite express why I don't feel bored or lonely on a solo trip. Yesterday I stumbled across an article titled "Confessions of an Introverted Traveler". It lead me down a windy path to the author's book titled The Introvert's Way. I gobbled it up, and I realized I am a complete and utter introvert, who's been mislabeled an extrovert for her entire life. (Apparently some introverts can take on extroversion in social situations where it is required. That's me!) This is likely why I can handle disappearing to a foreign country all by myself without feeling a bit stressed or lonely...but the thought of going to a party can often leave me clammy and anxious.

Anyone else travel solo...or would you travel solo if you could? Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Here's a short quiz if you're not sure if you're an I or E!
 

lemony fresh.

 

Last year, my friend Shannon hosted a crafty get-together at her house in Philly. This of course meant that I flew out a week in advance and crashed in her guest house (where I feel right at home because, strangely enough, there is a framed photo of my husband and I on the nightstand). We spent countless hours obsessing over decorative details like muddy rainboots + color-coordinated stacks of books....and a significant portion of time drinking Arnold Palmers and wine.

Mmm. Wine, I miss you. Ahem....anyway. You can see her hard work and my distracted photo-snapping over on the party-planning blog, Pizzazzarie! YAY!

Also, I wanted to say a major thank you for the unexpectedly supportive comments, emails and tweets following my last post. After 6 weeks of silence, and one cry-fest on my husband's shoulder about my lost creative identity, I honestly assumed no one was reading in this space anymore. I wrote solely to document this time...to tie together my own thoughts on the matter. I skipped my usual link-ups on Facebook + Twitter...because I wasn't looking for anything other than self-expression.

So, thank you. Thanks for proving me wrong. For reading these sporadic posts, for assuring me that this is all very normal and for giving me the sense of belonging I didn't even realize I was missing.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. :)