1.25.2010

because there aren't words...

thankyou012.jpg picture by wakeworkrinserepeat
(My newest class began Monday and involves...color. Pastels and paints and brushes. How perfect for a girl who is so desperately trying to repaint her world!)

Although it may seem flippant, I mean it with my whole heart. For the comments, the e-mails, the encouragement...the everything. Verbalizing is not my forte, so rather than talk it out with friends...I write. As if somehow, editing photos and manicuring text makes sense out of emotions I can't quite grasp. Or, at the very least, takes messy, sad things and makes them a bit creative, beautiful and therefore more livable. So thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for listening, reading, encouraging and tolerating. :)

For now, I write to him. All the thoughts that rattle around in my head, I write down in letter format before I go to sleep. No one will ever see these letters to him, of course, but there are now so many excess words that I just don't know what to do with...serious words about my heart, faith and goals, and humorous words about stoplights, Wal-marts and Salvador Dali. In time the words will dry up and I will miss him less. But for now, all this writing gives me sanity. (I realize this is crazy...feel free to mock me. It's ridiculous and strange, and were someone else to tell me they were doing this, I'd think they were truly disturbed. I am not disturbed...just simply cannot sleep if I leave things unexpressed.)

The color is beginning to come back. The girl who sees color and life is very much still in me...she's just taking longer than I imagined to resurface. One of these days she'll burst forth with a vengeance.

In the meantime, thanks for bringing me color and so much wisdom. You are fantastic. :)

5 comments:

  1. I'm a full fledged believer in writing & think that getting the words & thoughts out of your head and onto paper is incredibly helpful. Almost 10 years ago a very close friend of mine was killed in a car accident. I'd dated him for a year before he moved home to TN and truly believed he was "the one." Needless to say, even though we were broken up at the time of his accident I felt his loss to my very core. It was the first time I'd lost someone so close to me and the only way I found that helped me deal was to write letters to him in a journal. Getting the jumbled mess of emotion out of me and onto the page was truly therapeutic. After awhile the pain did lessen and I hope that same is true for you.

    My advice is to give yourself time to heal and do whatever it is that helps you deal with the pain, sadness, and sorrow you're feeling. My heart goes out to you...

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  2. There is so much power in the written word. The times that I am most happy or sad or angry are the times I write in my journal the most. I let the words pour out. Venting, but on paper! It's incredibly therapeutic, and good for the soul to let your emotions pour out on paper. Then you can go back, read them and analyze them and make sense of them again. And later, you will be able to read back and see how far you've come, think about how much better you feel. And even if you're not yet at the place you want to be, you'll see that you're well on your way there. I think you are clever and eloquent, and not in the least bit disturbed! Keep on doing whatever you need to in order to let the colour and light back into your world, Bethany. And watch the post! I sent your parcel yesterday!
    xo

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  3. I kept a journal of "letters" to an ex during a excruciatingly horrible break up. Stuff I wanted to say - even the random silly stuff that we would talk about - and couldn't. I wrote these letters. Until one day it seemed ridiculous. You'll get there. No one here is rushing you.

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Every time you comment, a unicorn gets his wings. Also, my phone beeps and your words bring me joy. :)

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