finding color.

findingcolor013.jpg picture by wakeworkrinserepeat

Can I just tell you how many bathrooms I've cried in this week?

I've cried in so many bathrooms...so, so many bathrooms. I've cried on planes, in cars, on trams. I've cried in showers, in beds, on couches, at desks. I've cried at coffee shops, in restaurants, at ice skating rinks and in stores. I've cried while eating grilled cheese sandwiches, while chewing gum and while drinking more chai lattes than I care to count. I cry when I wake up, cry while I get ready for the day, cry on my lunch breaks and cry while trying to fall asleep.


Oh, the places you will cry when your heart is bruised. And the worst part is, I don't even feel dried up yet. This evening, I actually cried thinking about how I can't stop crying. What the heck is that all about?

But, tonight I decided that when life goes fuzzy and loses color, you have two choices: (1) learn to live in black and white or (2) find the color, and friggin' paint the town.I'll admit that today I've chosen option one by spending another evening teary-eyed and writing in a coffee shop. But starting tomorrow...I'm forcing myself to choose the latter. Packing up oh-so-fresh memories of the prince and slowly, slowly, slowly finding enough color to repaint my world.

Note: I promise you I am a normal, emotionally healthy being. Truly, I am. Looking back, I just don't think that I've ever really had my heart smushed. Heart-smushing, now that I've encountered it, is wretched. Boys that smush girl's hearts are jerks. And girls that encounter it should get a tax deduction for all the pretty they have to buy in an attempt to stop crying. Who's with me? (Insert the cries of an angry mob here.) :)


  1. always in favor of a tax deduction!!
    You'll find your color. It's out there waitng for you to claim it.

  2. Sometimes I think it's good to give into the hurt for a little while. Then chin up, grab your paint brush and go.

  3. In our hardest most heart wrenching moments, it shapes us for the years to come. No one likes it, but it molds you to become the amazing person you are meant to be. In the worst all you can do is breath and cry, we all have or will be there some point in our life. Hopefully that will give you some (if little) comfort.

  4. Beth, I am proud of you.
    Getting your heart smushed is so hard, and sometimes you just have to get your cry on.
    But to pick yourself back up and move on is easier said then done. Good for you to keep looking for that color.

    My cousin and I have a saying, "When life hand comes at you, grab a paint can and paint the town periwinkle". Here's a paint brush, get painting ;)


  5. Oh my dear! I have been here. Heart break is sickening. But I survived. I think we all survive. Best to you m'dear.

  6. oh i know all to well the tears that can fall...i too have shed my share in random washrooms...careful to sob as quietly as possible when a co-worker comes in...
    i had a heartbreaking summer/fall full of many losses and soon you will start to choose colour...i promise! if some days you just don't feel like it...that's okay too. be gentle with yourself and your hurt heart...
    sending hugs your way...

  7. maybe all us girls need a little less prince and a little more MAN. Take the prince from "Shrek" for example. I am so glad I'm not with the blonde haired bimbo. He may be handsome and have the keys to the entire kingdom but...seriously. My love is more like Shrek. Awkward on the outside but a gem on the inside. Eager to love and truly know my heart. And willing to do whatever it takes to be more and more that way. I would take him over the prince ANY day:)

  8. You know what, cry it out! It's good and you are healthy. I am such a sap, I cry over stupid sappy commercials. We took my nephew to see his first movie a while ago (which was UP), and I was hy.ster.ic.al crying! But don't worry, we never count all the days we're smiling... and those probably quadruple the crying days. You'll find your prince, but right now you're just finding you :0)

  9. I know that I'm probably the only one who could away saying this to you: Only you can make crying sound like a Dr. Seuss book. "Have you tried crying in a plane with Jane in the rain? Could you would you in a stall at the mall in the hall? Oh the places you can cry."

    You know I say this out of love...and I know it's not fun for you, but God will get you through this. Love you sis!

  10. Dearest Bethany,
    I've no doubt you'll soon be painting rainbows again. You are so good at seeing bright and beautiful things in daily life. You're forgetting some of those things right now, because a foolish boy didn't see how wonderful you are, and that's okay. It's okay to cry and rage and buy yourself some pretty things in an effort to feel better. Tomorrow will be hard, choosing to do the more difficult thing, but you can totally do it! You deserve such happiness and it really will come. I love what Katrina wrote... she's so right...
    Sending you a great big hug (and an even bigger paintbrush!)

  11. Bethany~
    paint with all the colors of the

    Rays of delight~
    Arch across the sky
    Inspiring me to seek~
    New love on the horizon
    Beckoning to move forward~
    On to the life He's planned
    With a promise of hope.


  12. Go ahead and cry. Do not suppress. All the greats have been where you are. One day, you'll find it's just a little easier. The next day, a little easier. That's how it happens. I recommend staying in bed, rent seasons of 30 Rock. Laugh and cry and know that you're being a little ridiculous. That helps.

  13. I think all the cute comments and good advice has already been given. But I am sad to hear our prince turned into a frog, and I can't wait to see what you come up with when you turn all this into color.

  14. A broken heart sucks!(hugs) My wish is... when you get that paint brush started you'll find some of the brightest and most beautiful colors you have ever seen.


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