3.04.2010

just popping in.

buildingblocks.jpg picture by wakeworkrinserepeat

Sometimes, in the afternoon, I sit passively in my office, at my desk and look down at my paint-stained, charcoal-covered hands. Suddenly, I realize how very much they are out of place. Whew. Do you ever have those weeks, months in which you're not entirely certain you can continue with the same journey? Although it's been a blessed journey surrounded by fantastic individuals...the journey itself isn't fulfilling you, and beyond that...is actually draining you of the creative energy your soul needs?

I'd been feeling this for the past few months, but it wasn't so heavy on my heart until last week when at work I was assigned the job of photographing fifteen handmade children's toys and writing up light, sunny crafting instructions. It was such a stark contract to the unindividualized type of work that normally fills my days...for an entire day I wasn't even phased that my computer had crashed and that I was closing in on a 50 hour work week while also juggling a robust week at school. All I could think of was crafting, snapping shots and weaving cheery how-to scripts...creating something with such a bright visual purpose.

I was in heaven. A more cluttered, stressful heaven...but heaven none-the-less.

Sometimes I think crazy thoughts. I think about moving somewhere far away, throwing myself fully into school, living off the income of your basic college student job (helllooo, retail job) plus some student loans. I think about flourishing as an individual while having the energy to experience life, school and personal projects with a creatively rejuvenated heart and mind.

Let me just clarify that I say none of this from an ungrateful heart. I'm so thankful to have a job, and beyond that, a job with people I love and with gracious pay and benefits. But even in my thankfulness, I wonder if the type and structure of my job negatively impacts my education and creativity. I wonder if all this is felt...and if I'm doing the agency for which I work and my so-loved co-workers an enormous disservice by sticking around if my heart and mind aren't truly cut out for the mission and work style.

Maybe this is all just spring fever... :)

7 comments:

  1. amen. similar thoughts have been on my heart for errr...years now. but a steady paycheck and a guilty conscience keep me pressing on.

    kudos for boldy expressing your thoughts so candidly and openly. i say follow your dreams, beth. move somewhere crazy. live a little more out of the box. you are amazingly talented and a jolt of creative energy. channel it.

    i really think God puts these desires in our hearts for a reason. after all, he gave you your gifts and potential in the first place...

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  2. p.s.

    let's meet in stillwater for some antiquing someday. soon.

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  3. Your thoughts are the same I am struggling with on my own. I have a nice job, a place I have been with for almost 8 years. I have grown into a career. But it is a career I dont love nor want forever. It is stress, it has lost its fun and creativity. I today went and applied for a part time job that is way less then I make now but I know I will get to be creative. Follow your heart. That's all you can do.

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  4. It must be in the air.....
    I've had similar questions running through my mind and I appreciate that you've 'said' them for others to hear. The longer you hesitate the harder it is to make a major break with routines and safety nets. But you've never struck me as chicken. (Spunky comes to mind)You'll find your way through this just like the other big questions you've faced.

    Have you read The Sharper the Knife, the Less you Cry?? A 'fork-in-the-road' story of a woman who follows her dream to Le Cordon Bleu. Good reading.

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  5. I think most of us feel this tug from time to time. When I step back and look at it I have my dream job.... it's freeing, creative, challenging, yet some weeks I feel like giving it all up for something new.

    Maybe it's just human nature to not understand exactly where we are supposed to be.... it gives us a chance to look deeper.

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  6. I pray, dear Bethany, that the Lord will lead you to a job/life that is fulfilling, an outlet for your creativite passions and FUN to boot! I'm sure He has big plans for you!
    Blessings!

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  7. You know how I feel....you can either stay where you are or grab life by the balls...I hope you choose a handful of balls...but seriously, all joking aside. Have courage to do what your heart wants. Don't be afraid or feel tied down just because you're thankful. Be thankful and set yourself free:) Take care of your gifts and don't let them get squandered at a lackluster job:)

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Every time you comment, a unicorn gets his wings. Also, my phone beeps and your words bring me joy. :)

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