11.18.2010

learning to love.



I didn’t cry this time. I was proud of me.

But I did hold my breath while I waited. The scale flashed three zeros at me, and I hung in the balance. It felt like forever. Flash. Flash….Was it as bad as I imagined? Was I going to fall apart? I ran over the last three months in my head. Innumerable calories, meals, days, even weeks that I wished I could erase from my food diary. I’d not even tried to say no. Life had been a 24-hour buffet, and I’d not left for 90 days.

One more flash of zeros, and then a number. And not a happy one, for the girl who had previously fought so hard to take off every ounce. There it was—concrete, numerical evidence of my sins, and there was no denying it. I felt silly, standing in my bathroom, wearing only a towel, like someone would catch a glimpse of me, and I’d hear them call me chubby. Like Adam and Eve in the garden, overwhelming shame brought the sudden need to cover up. Every wiggle, every jiggle seemed more jiggly than before. Hot, angry tears behind my eyes threatened to spill onto my cheeks, which now felt like the size of giant Christmas hams.

The words of a horrible, selfish man I once dated echoed in my mind, "Your achilles heel is your weight. No man wants to fall in love with a girl who's practically overweight...she'll only get worse with time."

And then, so filled with hatred for the wretched man, I swore that not a tear would fall. I looked myself in the mirror and thought, "Absolutely not. I will not let that terrible man win...or tear me down anymore. I will learn to love myself, beyond the bounds of numbers and scales."

I have so much love for others. Regardless of height, weight, age, hopes, dreams...I easily see beyond these things, find the worth in the person next to me and love all of them for it. But, I feel like I'm just beginning the long journey of learning to love myself. I can think of a million reasons why I shouldn't love or accept myself. And I'm not entirely sure how to start.

Can one ever, truly accomplish this or is it only a pipe dream?

15 comments:

  1. I hate the guy that said that to you. Everytime I think about it, my Irish temper flares- and like my dad always says, "You want the pissed off Ifishman on your side".

    Beth, you've got Gabriel now, and I bet he loves you just. the. way. you. are. That's all that matters.

    LB

    PS.. got your package in the mail! Thank you for the sweet note and the little something extra! You masterpiece is being proudly dispayed in our kitchen ;)

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  2. Irishman. Not an Ifishman. They aren't ask hot-headed ;)

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  3. start one day at a time. that's what i do. i know my weight is something i'm going to struggle with my entire life and i'm trying to accept it.

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  4. I think you're great the way you are, Beth. You're so beautiful and vivbrant and you light up the room whenever you walk in. Don't let a number get you down.

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  5. Thanks for sharing this - so many of us fight this battle and so often we do it silently which makes it harder and lonlier.

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  6. Beth, you're so beautiful and I always appreciate your super real honesty.

    I really think the key is to see yourself through the eyes of Jesus--perfect, redeemed, and precious. No one else could love you more.

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  7. You are so much more than a number. So. Much. More.

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  8. I am also happy that you shared this!!! Weight is what alot of us struggle with and it is so easy to tell someone else not to worry about it but very hard to take our own advice, especially when it consumes so much of our everyday life!

    You are a stunningly beautiful women, who, on more than one occasion I wished I could look like! I wish I had your perseverance, your outlook on life and your beautiful way with words. But God made each of us different, and He made each of us in His own image, so I just have to tell that to myself, that I AM beautiful because my Creator created me and loves me!

    Keep your head up and that beautiful smile on your face! It isn't just a pipe dream, one day we will be able to love ourselves exactly how we are!

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  9. Thank you for sharing this story. I have a similar voice in my head that I battle every day. Sometimes, I allow her to win and know that I have failed myself. Other times, I am my own great champion and it feels glorious. Seeing myself through others' eyes is not easy. Like you, I remind myself that if I am willing to love blindly, I deserve blind love in return. Love you, B.

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  10. I used to feel this way too. I had an ex bf who on more than one occasion made me feel so so terrible about my self and my image. In the 1.5 years that we dated he told me once that I "looked good".
    I wanted so bad to be the gf that he thought was beautiful... but I never could be and finally I realized that I didn't want to be that gf. I wanted to be happy and beautiful in my own eyes.
    Then I met my now husband and he told me everyday, every single day that I was beautiful, looked amazing, was sexy, that my eyes were pretty ect ect and all of the insecurities that I ever had about myself went away.
    You have found someone that treats you properly and recognizes the beautiful and talented person that you are. You are on the right path my dear. xox

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  11. Ohh guys (and sometimes girls) can be so harsh with their words and they don't know what an impact it can make on someone.

    I do think it takes a little at a time because I go through days when I just feel awful but other days I'm so full of confidence I don't care.

    But, you are beautiful and I hate that someone left that mark on you! Because you are soo much more! x

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  12. i love that you wrote this. it's very inspired and heartfelt and touching. i hate that someone would ever actually say those words. especially since that is such an inconsequential thing to dwell on (him dwelling, not you dwelling) in the grand scheme of life and relationships - something as silly as weight.
    i've just recently begun to read your blog, but from what i've seen so far, you're an amazing, caring, creative person - and that's what's most important.
    ps - that picture is beautiful.

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  13. I commend you for sharing this and being so real & open!

    One day at a time is absolutely it. I started a food journal (a private blog) w/ my cousin & it has helped so much.

    You will do it girl!

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  14. I can't believe anyone would say something like that but you look gorgeous and you're not on your own in this battle. I loved my late 20s because I finally became confident enough in myself to be happy and to know it's ok to expect the same for myself that I give to other people.

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  15. I know how you feel...I struggle with those numbers everyday and it is so consuming. We should start some sort of group that shares recipes and workouts and other inspiration. Maybe a weekly/monthly weigh-in where we can discuss our victories with the scale! I'm ready to get started!! Who's with me?

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Every time you comment, a unicorn gets his wings. Also, my phone beeps and your words bring me joy. :)

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