returning spring in my step.
Last night I had dinner with lovely Jessica + her sweet boy Graham. We found ourselves discussing hopes for the little places that are ours in the blogosphere, and the teensy line all bloggers walk to keep a balance between crafty displays of rainbows + sunshine OR deeper emotions that can lead to self-pitying tones. Those of you who write a blog, or read many blogs avidly, understand the balancing game to which I'm referring! I just try to keep things honest 'round here...so I'm not sure where that puts me.
While I'm nervous that I'll come across as a complete raincloud, I feel I must be totally honest: I've been real down. Beyond a case of melancholy and into the Top Five Ugliest Bethany VS Depression Showdowns in the ten plus years we've been acquainted. A case of the deep-down Uglies.
Describing it is impossible. If you've been there... you know. And if you haven't, I'm so happy you don't understand. Truly. In that place, there is a sadness, a loneliness that cannot be reached. Most days, the ugly thing stays locked in it's cage and I, aware of it's existence, tip-toe about while micromanaging my surroundings so as not to awaken the beast. But there are bouts where the beast angrily awakens, shaking himself free of his cage and rules the roost. Life halts and I find myself in bed more than I should. Crying at things I shouldn't. Spending hours convincing myself to take out the trash. During that time, the beast makes certain I'm aware of its presence both day and night.
At night, I lie awake in my lemon-painted bedroom and ask myself...Why does it exist?
I've asked myself this question one thousand times for a decade, and still no answer. And I've discovered this: There isn't a reason. It just is. It's in me and it's my battle. Like certain truths: why grass is green, why what goes up comes down, why birds fly south...we must eventually accept it as part of our world, whether we understand it or not. We could spend hours dissecting it, grasping the scientific + psychological reasonings. Perhaps we might benefit. Or we can simply take it at face value and adapt.
For the past week, I've been on a scavenger hunt for good. Dedicating myself to finding it in everything, even when it feels silly....because it's always there. In daffodils. In chats with friends. In sunsets and Chai lattes. Life is good at its core. Really, really extremely good when you decide to look. The sun is always shining somewhere in the world...when its dark, you've just got to wait until it rises again for you. My sun is rising again. Slowly, yet warmly. I feel it rising again, and that's all that matters, for in this sunrise I'm finding hope for today.
Pull up a patch of grass and stick around through this dawn. I promise things will be warm and beautiful again soon. :)