3.30.2011

returning spring in my step.


Last night I had dinner with lovely Jessica + her sweet boy Graham. We found ourselves discussing hopes for the little places that are ours in the blogosphere, and the teensy line all bloggers walk to keep a balance between crafty displays of rainbows + sunshine OR deeper emotions that can lead to self-pitying tones. Those of you who write a blog, or read many blogs avidly, understand the balancing game to which I'm referring! I just try to keep things honest 'round here...so I'm not sure where that puts me.

While I'm nervous that I'll come across as a complete raincloud, I feel I must be totally honest: I've been real down. Beyond a case of melancholy and into the Top Five Ugliest Bethany VS Depression Showdowns in the ten plus years we've been acquainted. A case of the deep-down Uglies.


Describing it is impossible. If you've been there... you know. And if you haven't, I'm so happy you don't understand. Truly. In that place, there is a sadness, a loneliness that cannot be reached. Most days, the ugly thing stays locked in it's cage and I, aware of it's existence, tip-toe about while micromanaging my surroundings so as not to awaken the beast. But there are bouts where the beast angrily awakens, shaking himself free of his cage and rules the roost. Life halts and I find myself in bed more than I should. Crying at things I shouldn't. Spending hours convincing myself to take out the trash. During that time, the beast makes certain I'm aware of its presence both day and night.



At night, I lie awake in my lemon-painted bedroom and ask myself...Why does it exist?

Why?

Why?
 

Why?
 

I've asked myself this question one thousand times for a decade, and still no answer. And I've discovered this: 
There isn't a reason. It just is. It's in me and it's my battle. Like certain truths: why grass is green, why what goes up comes down, why birds fly south...we must eventually accept it as part of our world, whether we understand it or not. We could spend hours dissecting it, grasping the scientific + psychological reasonings. Perhaps we might benefit. Or we can simply take it at face value and adapt.

For the past week, I've been on a scavenger hunt for good. Dedicating myself to finding it in everything, even when it feels silly....because it's always there. In daffodils. In chats with friends. In sunsets and Chai lattes. 
Life is good at its core. Really, really extremely good when you decide to look. The sun is always shining somewhere in the world...when its dark, you've just got to wait until it rises again for you. My sun is rising again. Slowly, yet warmly. I feel it rising again, and that's all that matters, for in this sunrise I'm finding hope for today.

Pull up a patch of grass and stick around through this dawn. I promise things will be warm and beautiful again soon. :)

19 comments:

  1. Just reading that post make me realise how you are such a writer! If you ever wrote a memoir I would be reading it.

    I hope more sunshine comes into your life :)

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  2. I wish I knew the right words to make everything better again. I am sending you virtual hugs and many good thoughts.

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  3. I unfortunately know what you're talking about. I spent most of last year battling a crippling depression. I've since blogged about it more than a few times. It takes time, and time's a bitch. 'Scuse my language. My take is, if you can get out of bed and go through the motions, then you're halfway there. Hope it goes away soon!! Hugs.

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  4. I know what you're talking about and recently I was going through the same after my daughter was born. My husband suffers from it too and we both firmly believe that it should be talked about more openly. It's an illness and no one should feel ashamed about it.

    Good on you for writing about it.

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  5. In my personal experience, there's almost nothing more depressing than reading blogs that make someone else's life seem perfect. So, please do talk about it! It will help you as well as your readers who suffer in silence and isolation. Glad to hear you feel "spring" coming on... it always, always comes!

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  6. I adore the fact that you keep it real. The beat part of blogging to me is reading that everyone has there ups and down times. If it's any consolation I love your blog and your writing :) I also have to remind myself to see the beauty of life it's a daily struggle but soon I hope it just comes naturally!

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  7. I understand, and I hope things look a little brighter for you soon. What tends to work for me (but every person is oh so different) is staying busy and immersing myself in good. Maybe it's just the passing time that helps, but eventually, I realize that I'm feeling better.

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  8. I'll be praying for you! We should get together more. Here or EC. I'm close to there almost every weekend. I find you very encouraging and I hope things get better for you.

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  9. I know how you feel, and as much as I'm sure you don't want to hear this (because it's what everyone says, and I know I got sick of hearing it) it does get better. I hope you're able to feel happier soon. What helped me was to go out and make myself do things - if you can convince yourself to go out, it'll take your mind off of things at least for a while, and that helps
    I hope you feel better soon!
    <3 Kiersten

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  10. I totally get the trying to find balance on a blog thing...while I am new to reading your blog...I really do appreciate when a blogger puts her sunshine and rainbows out there AND genuine honesty about ups and downs in life. It makes you so much more relatable and I think it is always encouraging to one. find out that so many people struggle with the same things and two. to get lots of warm hugs and sunny encouragement via your blog readers!

    So I'm loving your blog and "getting to know you" - I feel this connection because I'm real life friends with Becca and Jessica too!

    My little trick...buy some daffodils. I know they aren't magic but they are about the cheeriest flower out there!

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  11. I'm so sorry you are at that point right now - I think it catches us all once in a while. I know that you are doing the right things to get past it - looking for the good and cheerful. Eventually it does work and the sunshine comes back. In the meantime, know you have lots of support all around you.

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  12. Sounds like a balloon just won't do this time around...
    Reading the other comments it seems that you are surrounded, and appreciated, by many who wish you well. Add me to that list.

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  13. thank you sooo much for your honesty! because lately i have had such a dark cloud over me... i have no energy to do anything and i feel so sad... for no reason. and it feels so selfish when i know others have it so much worse and have tangible reasons.

    i will grab your hand and pull you up if i could... because i know you would do the same for me!

    xoxo

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  14. Aw, *hugs* Bethany! I have really bad moods for a day or two sometimes and periodically I have stress-induced Irritable Alli mode that lasts for about a week. Nothing in the world seems doable, life seems determined to slam me with 'negative' and I can only think of the bad and never the good. Although eventually, with excruciating time it gets better. However, I've never dealt with a serious depression or anything of that sort. Although I have questioned (in some of those long weeks) how negative/lonely/sad/angry you have to be before it is truly depression....

    PS - I know what you're talking about with the balance. I actually have a pdf study right now that I'm reading about social media (fb, blogs, twitter, etc.) and how it plays with our emotions. There are #s showing how everyone is lonely/sad and how it always seems that EVERYONE else has an awesome, amazing life. People put their best foot out where others can see and have their terrible moments alone. So we always see the best of others and feel like we're the only ones that are this sad/lonely.

    want you to know, I think of you as a very positive, active young woman. I've read many of your posts (some that are a little sad) but it just feels incredibly honest and overall hopeful. Don't worry about sharing your true thoughts, the best of you always shines through.

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  15. Even when things aren't warm and beautiful, I want to hang out on this patch of grass. You write so beautifully. And you are such a lovely person. Sending you a great big hug, and wishing you lots of sunshine and happiness starting right this second.
    xo

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  16. Thank you :) That is exactly what I've been needing to read. I hope you feel better, and know you're not alone.

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  17. i am just catching up around here...our little chat this week totally did my heart good. i'm not going to lie, this has been an overwhelmingly tough week for me too. proud of you girl, for sticking the ugly truth out there. i'm 2 chapters into the book and am finding so much peace in the reminder to just let go & dwell in God's graciousness. why is that so hard?

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  18. oh bethany, so so sorry to hear you are facing this. i won't even pretend to say i understand or know what you are feeling, but i absolutely wish from the bottom of my heart that this passes. you are an AMAZING writer, a beautiful person, inside and out, and your photos and lovely-made things inspire me. keep on looking for that sunshine!!

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  19. Bethany - I haven't ever read your blog before and I don't know you. So I really hope this isn't out of place.

    I completely understand. A friend sent me the link to this post. I have struggled deeply with depression for over 18 years. Sometimes the "monster" is caged and sometimes I can't keep it locked up. I have gotten really good at not letting it show on the outside. Avoiding people when I can't hide it. It is hard to explain to those that don't have to feel this way that I just can't wake up happy. You described it beautifully.

    But I have discovered that my depression is tied to something else and there is a possible solution. That our mental heath is tied to our "gut" health. And the food we eat can heal or hurt us. Trust me I have tried pills and traditional medicine, etc. Maybe it is a long shot but if you would be interested in links please contact me. If not. I understand to. :)

    Great post and being real is better. Blue or not.

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