Today I have scary butterflies in my stomach.
Today I will tell a stranger all the ways in which I am not okay.
Today I will be raw.
And, today I will be brave.
While I've written about my struggles with mental health, today is the first I've sought ongoing professional help in my battle with depression, anxiety and body image. I should have done this years ago, because I deserve to be happy and healthy. Because I am worthy of being whole. But, anxiety can't be seen on an x-ray and no one can run your bloodwork to prove that you're low on Happy Juice, so it's easy to push away signs that you need help.
But, in ten months, I will no longer be a "me"...I'll become a "we". A team. Even among the excitment of engagement and wedding-planning, the past few months have been harder than I've faced in a while. In my heart, I long to be the best wife for Gabriel, to be his sunshine. A wife who is comfortable in her own body, and doesn't cry if she gains half a pound. A wife who can set aside social anxieties and not plan her day around panic attacks. And someday, a mother who will raise little girls to be soft, yet strong. To live without fear. To love themselves just as they are, and to see that life is so, so very good.
They say the first step is the hardest...this step was rock hard and humbling. But for myself, for Gabriel and for our someday-family I am admitting that I cannot do it alone. At least for a little while, I need someone to walk with me.