5.16.2012

things i'm afraid to tell you.

(twinkly lights in Boston, taken while walking home from Fenway)

I'm about two weeks behind in social media life. When we were in Boston, I stepped away from everything but Instagram and the occasional Facebook photo share. It was nice. But I'm still catching up on emails, blog reading, blog writing...at a slow pace between packing and such.

Which is why I'm finally reading everyone's "Things I'm Afraid to Tell You" posts. I love them. I'm guilty of buying into the belief that other bloggers' lives are sunshine + unicorns, because they consistently curate all kinds of beautiful life moments. And also guilty of feeling like my life has to be that put together to be a part of the blogworld.

I'm jumping on the sharing bandwagon. So, here we go:

1. I worry that I won't do anything with my life. Honestly, I'm not a confident girl. (Example: I've never seen photos, but in my mind, all my husband's exes were Heidi Klum look-a-likes...and he got stuck with frumpy ol' me.) Admittedly, I'm that girl who believes everyone else is more intelligent, more creative, has a more interesting perspective, can do it better. Deep down, I know I have a few talents to put to use, but my biggest fear is I'll finally gain that needed confidence when opportunities to use those skills have already passed me by.

2. When I'm home alone, I use paper plates. And plastic flatware. Because I hate dishes that much. If you see a photo here with food on a REAL plate...that was just for you. Just a lil' treat for your eyes. ;)

3. My weight yo-yos all over the place. Since getting married, I've had a 25 pound weight variance. I'm aware that I should also see a doctor about it, but I've got this inconvenient fear of doctors, hospitals and the like. I'll also admit that I've sidestepped a fair number of social situations, save those with family or really close friends, because I just don't feel great about myself. Finally, I'll admit that I rock a lot of yoga pants due to this whole situation...which is why you probably haven't seen a lot of photos of me in recent months. I avoid them.

4. I still drive the car I bought when I was 17, The Blue Beast. It's so not glam. It is rusty. It makes terrible noises. And there are all kinds of quirks: the dashboard light doesn't come on, the driver's side window doesn't roll down and sometimes the blinker makes clicking noises for no reason at all. But I paid it off years ago, and the insurance is $38 a month. So I keep it.

5. In face to face life, I'm not fabulous at being emotionally vulnerable. Sometimes Gabe doesn't even know what's going on in my head, until it's spelled out here. (I let him read the "preview" before I hit publish!) I'm not that precious or demure in person! Well, I'm kind and upbeat. But I'm a little loud, and not afraid of a dirty joke or a cuss word. This blog is just where I dock the quieter side of myself, the part that's more difficult to show in real life. 

6. I've worried people will stop reading because I'm moving to Kuwait, where life will be less pretty. There. I said it. And it sounds just as awful and self-involved as it did in my head. We'll be in a company-issued furnished apartment, and it's not attractive. Even my kind mother had nothing nice to say about the apartment photos. Add that to the fact that I can't take photos in public places in Kuwait, or even wear clothes I enjoy since showing a shoulder or knee is frowned upon...and you can bet I already had a crying meltdown on my husband's shoulder. I'm just not sure how I'm going to fit in, or feel creatively fulfilled in Kuwait. Publically, I've been keeping my crap together about this whole move. But behind closed doors, I've been a mess at times. But it's something I've got to figure out once I'm there.

Whew. Alright. That's all for now. Off to go layer plates and bubble wrap.

As always, thanks for hanging around here. :)

43 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this post with us Bethany. You are incredibly brave, honest and warm. That, above all else, is what keeps me coming back to your blog every day {even if you haven't posted!}, and enjoying your social media updates immensely. I don't think I'm alone here - which makes me confident that, if anything, your readers will only continue to grow after your move to Kuwait.

    I've been putting off writing my own "Things I'm Afraid To Tell You" post - because I am afraid of being even more vulnerable - but after reading yours I am inspired to finish the task.

    What I want to say more than anything is simply: you're wonderful! Thank you.

    xxx,

    Alexandra

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  2. I'll still read! I like to think that people can bring their own joy and creativity no matter where they go!

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  3. I'm pretty happy that I get to know both sides of you...and as much as we joke about the unicorns flying out of your blog's arse, I do think you keep it real pretty often around here anymore. (you know, whennnnn you blog ;)

    And as far as unsparkly Kuwait, it's not forever and if there's anyone who can glitter that ish up and make the best of what she's been given, it's you.

    We *just* got the mirror on my car fixed from when John broke it last October. And that's pretty good for us. So who cares about your car, it's not like you're going to be using it anytime soon right?

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  4. I think one of the most wonderful things about you is your ability to make things beautiful. You take an ordinary event and make it pretty. That's a part of you that won't disappear just because you're in Kuwait--which will be an absolutely incredible adventure for you and Gabe together. Don't worry. People will still read. :)

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  5. For the record, we don't read because you make fabulous craft projects (although you do) or that you live in a gorgeous apartment that you've decorated gorgeously (because it is), we read because we like you.

    Just clarifying. :)

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  6. I am so stunned everytime you let a little more information out about yourself. The girl I know is funny, flirty, and above all the most beautiful writer and photographer, but more than that, she is a really amazing person, I just wish she would realize that and enjoy all that life has to offer...... and yes even in Kuwait! The funny thing is...... I wish I could fit into yoga pants!!! Please enjoy life Bethany. It goes by so fast!!

    Sherry Stabenow

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  7. I second what Sar says :)

    Don't worry my dear. We'll still be here even if you don't have the pretty pictures. You're a wonderful and amazing woman, and we love you for you.

    xoxo,
    Joelle

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  8. Thanks for sharing :) Some of these items must have been difficult for you to admit publicly. And don't worry, you're so skilled at finding beauty in the smallest moments of the day that I'm sure you'll still have tons of readers (myself included, and probably many new ones) after the move!

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  9. I really enjoy reading your blog. I spent almost a year in Bangladesh, away from home, in a very remote village. I can totally relate to many of the things you are feeling - all I can say is it is hard - but I was able to discover a whole new side of life. A side of life that is just as beautiful - even if it cannot be captured in photos. A side of life that is beautiful without all the things I grew to love here in the States. A side of life that was life changing and earth shaking, and so rewarding. I pray you will find such beauty in Kuwait that your soul will be totally full with all the new types of beauty, in your strange new place.

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  10. We always do have things we are afraid to tell... I might do a post on it! thanks for sharing.

    Can't wait to hear about your adventures on Kuwait

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  11. Hi Bethany,

    I was going to email you, but call me challenged (or maybe not), I can't figure out if that's an option. I did however want to make sure you don't mind if I link to this post on my blog? I hope not!

    You inspired me to do a 'things i'm afraid to tell you post' & I'd like to give some credit where it's due.

    Thanks!

    p.s. I won't stop reading when you move!

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  12. Hi Bethany,

    I was going to email you, but call me challenged (or maybe not), I can't figure out if that's an option. I did however want to make sure you don't mind if I link to this post on my blog? I hope not!

    You inspired me to do a 'things i'm afraid to tell you post' & I'd like to give some credit where it's due.

    Thanks!

    p.s. I won't stop reading when you move!

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  13. I cannot wait to read about your move and your new life in Kuwait! I'm definitely staying tuned! I love your blog and think you are wonderful, even if you love yoga pants and use dirty dishes...because honestly, right now I'm in my yoga pants (like almost every day) and instead of using paper plates I just let the dirty dishes pile up in my room until we run out! I think it would be smarter to use paper.

    <3

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  14. thank you for sharing this beautiful post! It takes a lot of womanly gracious guts to put this all out there, which I admire you for! When I read that you were moving to kuwait it brought a little aww to me because I remembered your post of being unable to take pictures freely there. I'm certain, however, that your creative mind and brilliant ideas will make your time there just as pretty as it is here. Moving from family and friends is always hard, but i'm sure you will be your resourceful self and have a grand 'ol time! And you will have all your bloggy friends too :)

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  15. My advice to you: Go. Have fun. Enjoy this opportunity. Take it all in. I am so excited for you and this adventure you are about to take! I refuse to believe that Kuwait lacks beauty because beautiful people, like yourself, have a way of finding the beauty in everything.......

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  16. I don't read because I thought you had some stellar car. I cannot wait to pay my car off, and once I do I will keep it as long as it gets me from A to B! So more power to you!
    I can relate to your first worry. Completely.
    It shocks me that you're afraid people will stop reading once you move, if anything, I also believe it could open you up to a whole new group of bloggers who would love to read your writings.
    You are such a beautiful person inside and out, and you can bet I'll stick around!

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  17. this was beautiful. I will keep reading, don't you worry. Thanks for being so honest. I have been trying to write a post like this too....you are def stronger than me girlie.

    xx
    L

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  18. Oh, I will be reading. I cannot wait to here what it is like to live in Kuwait. Thank you for being so honest. I love the honesty and would rather read honest blogs than one's who act as if life is perfect. No one's life is perfect.

    Julie

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  19. You are lovely, Bethany. I'll not stop reading until you stop sharing (please don't stop!).

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  20. i think we're all looking forward to how you'll creatively show off kuwait :)

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  21. Your blog is way more than just pretty pictures! We're not going anywhere, Bethany! :) I can't wait to hear about your next adventures

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  22. I won't stop reading! I'm a hard-core fan. And as for the whole blog-world-perfect-life-thing....if you read any of my recent posts, you'll see that I'm definitely raw about what's going on in my life. But then again, you know that already about my blog, as you were one of my first followers two years ago (thank you :) )

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  23. Aww darling, Thank you for being so vulnerable! We all still enjoy you and your blog (and will, even while you're in Kuwait).
    Now, do you drive a jeep cherokee? because it sounds like our vehicles have the same quirky issues. I also got mine when I was 17 and will keep her until she disintegrates. Three cheers for being car payment free!

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  24. ...and now I adore you even more. You are a true gem, my friend. I appreciate and respect your sincerity & candidness.

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  25. I haven't been blogging myself lately or commenting but (although my thoughts matter little) I have to comment here. You, Bethany, I have been following every since I first came to blogger. You are such a beautiful person (inside and out) more beautiful than you ever give yourselfcredit for. As for reading while you are in Kuwait - I will be not only be reading every time you post, but I will be excited to read. You have no idea how often your words have inspired me. Don't sell yourself short...just look at all the comments you have here 24 (so far) We love you!!! And if you get bored in Kuwait you should write a novel..."American girl in Kuwait" -there ya go...titled and all..I want first copy..lol. xxxx

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  26. Bethany,

    Good to see you a part of the "things I'm afraid to tell you" movement. It's important and it's so good to see so many bloggers come out and break the pretty and fluffy facades that we all unintentionally create.

    I agree with our homegirl Alex, that if anything, your readership will INCREASE after you leave for Kuwait. That's not something people are reading about every day from a young, honest, engaging and fresh perspective like yours. This life account will surely give your blog edge, in addition to enriching your life in ways that I'm sure you'd never imagine.

    Hang tough. I, for one, am thinking happy and loving thoughts for you, and am looking so much to reading about your journey!!

    Much love lady friend.

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  27. And p.s. I'm totally with you on the plastic utensils and paper plates. So wrong, but I HATE DOING DISHES! And I too, have fallen guilty many-a-times of feeling like I'm probably much less than previous girlfriends of men I've dated. It's a crappy habit of a notion :-/

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  28. I love this 'things I'm afraid to tell you' idea so much.

    Me; I often think to myself, why bother with trying to create a blog if there are so many more fabulously pretty ones (like yours) out there.

    But at the same time, a blog means different things to different people and a blog will naturally grow with you. So the 'prettiness' of Bethany won't be on display as much anymore? Well, sure its a little sad but I can safely say on behalf of all your readers that we're looking forward to seeing (or not seeing, as the photo situation may prove, so rather reading about) Kuwait. Kuwait as a place is a curiosity to many (if not all of us) and Kuwait plus Bethany is new and intriguing and we're all excited for this journey you shall soon partake in.

    My advice re the scary/nervousness of the move is to write a pros and cons list and add to it as you go. Every time something not so good happens and you have to add to the cons side, look to all the things on the pro side and take a moment to just relish them, even if its only one, even just for a second.

    Take care and safe travels :) xx

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  29. Let's make a deal. If you ditch the paper plate habit, I will read your blog no matter where you move.

    Thanks for being honest and open.

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  30. Thank you so much for sharing this. How can people not want to keep reading your post after cuh an honest post? Be sure I'll still be sticking around.

    Hope the move goes well!
    Elena
    www.randomlyhappytoday.blogspot.co.uk

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  31. Cheers to you for sharing the hard parts like this! That shows at least a few ounces of confidence.

    And I agree with all these girls- you'll find a way to make your apartment and your life in Kuwait happy and pretty and sparkly. You have crafting supplies that outweigh your suitcases and an eye for beautiful things. I trust that you will make the most of your adventure there. And yes, I will keep reading. Of course I will :)

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  32. Oh Bethany have you not seen how many people have responded to this post already there is no way anyone could ever lose interest in your blog and your writing. I think you should spend your time in Kuwait writing a book. You write so beautifully that I am sure you would excel immensely.

    Keep being you and remember that no one is perfect. i have my ups and downs too like everyone else in this world. One of my worst things is that I am OCD lol a bit too much and with 2 children in a white flat right now I am trying my hardest to learn to relax and so far I am succeeding until the finger prints are found on the cream walls ! lol

    Enjoy beautiful lady and good luck with the move.

    Love Chrissi xx

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  33. I've been watching this series roll through blogland and have loved it. I admire the courage everyone is showing.

    After having lived abroad for a few years (in some very ugly places) I've decided my idea of beauty has changed - and that it is indeed possible to make even the ugliest of corporate apartments a little less stark. I have a feeling you are more than up to the challenge.

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  34. hi Bethany! I have been a sucky blog reader and do not write my own blog anymore :( BUT no worries you will blog there and we will read! I had www.alainnotebook.com and LOVED blogging when abroad. I felt purpose with blogging that I haven't felt since. Sure it will be complicated and more challenging but you can do it. I am SO jealous. Since moving back to the US nearly 3 years ago (sigh) I have missed being abroad. I miss the wonderful differences and challenges. I am always wanderlusting and never satisfied with life now we are home! Hoping we can go abroad again albeit tricky right now with my husband trying to get tenure and with two kiddos under 5. ANytime you need to email about life abroad feel free to!

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  35. you use paper plates? Hell, I use a napkin.

    I promise to still follow you while in that far away land. Pinky swear.

    LB

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  36. Great post Bethany! I echo in everyone else's comment that I will continue reading even after you move to Kuwait. As a long-time weight struggler I can totally understand how that goes. I'm fighting the same battle!

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  37. Re: no.6 - life may not be pretty, but it will be yours, and that's key! i'm excited to see what life in Kuwait is like, even if it's not the most glamourous thing in the world. hang in there, Bethany. i'm praying for you, your move, & your adjustment to life in Kuwait.

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  38. Hi! I just stumbled across your blog and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. thank you for sharing.

    I thought you should know- your writing is beautiful. really. And Kuwait! That is amazing! I can't wait to hear more once you get there!

    xo Bailey
    http://lostandfound-bailee.blogspot.de/

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  39. Hi Bethany! I've been secretly following your blog for some time now and just wanted to say that I know how you feel. Just after my husband and I were married two years ago, we moved to Newcastle, England for year #1 of medical school followed by year #2 of school spent in the third world country of Grenada in the West Indies. I had so many concerns about moving. What was I going to do with my life while we were gone? I had a heck of a time saying goodbye to friends and family which may or may not have included a complete sob fest at the hospital the night our twin nephews were born right before we left the US. Anyway, all I really wanted to say is that you can find beauty in anything. In Grenada, it was blistering hot, I rarely wore makeup, my hair was always in a ponytail, and I swear you could probably see my shiny, sweaty face all the way from outer space. :) BUT! I fell in love with the people and specifically the children of Grenada and now that we are back in the US for good, I miss it terribly. You seem like someone who can find the beauty in life wherever you are. Good luck! And I can't wait to see what Kuwait has in store for you!

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  40. This was my favorite post you've ever written - I've been reading for a long time w/o commenting (sorry! lurker!) but I couldn't *not* comment on this one. It was beautiful & honest, and I admire you for sharing your reality. I echo everyone's sentiments that your readership will continue as you move into this next phase in your life because we read because we're charmed by YOU... not your stuff, your crafts, your house (although they are all so very lovely.) I can't wait to read about your next adventure. xo

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  41. Thanks for sharing Bethany. I always keep an eye out for your posts in my blog reader, excited to see what you will share next. I promise that will continue, even while you are in Kuwait. You are about to take this amazing life adventure and live abroad - something that I'm sure I will never do. So while it may not seem sparkly, it is certainly an exciting adventure. Plus, from your pictures, it looks like you may have packed enough sparkles for all of Kuwait!

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  42. I love that you are moving to Kuwait. I have always wanted to live in the Middle East for a year or so. I love that the pretty is not American pretty anymore. :) Good luck with moving in and getting adapted.
    Karli

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  43. I am enjoying how you are managing to make Kuwait look pretty with your photos! I just left there after 5 years. I wouldn't worry too much about what you wear. After a while you will get used to it and feel less conspicuous. If your skirt feels too short stick on some leggings too! Get a couple of short sleeved cardis. Obviously it depends on where you go but nothing's going to happen if your shoulders or knees are on show. Also, it's fine to take photos in public. Just don't point your camera at any people or gov buildings etc. It can be hard there but it is also a very easy life. You will get used to it!

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Every time you comment, a unicorn gets his wings. Also, my phone beeps and your words bring me joy. :)

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